He Regretted
by GRINtelligencer
Summary: Volume 11, Alfeegi is bleeding his life away in that hallway and he discovers there are quite a lot of things he regrets now that he has the time to think about it. List fic.


**He Regretted**

Dane Soar

**Rating:** T

**Summery:** Volume 11, Alfeegi is bleeding his life away in that hallway and he discovers there are quite a lot of things he regrets now that he has the time to think about it. List fic.

**Characters/Pairings: **Alfeegi for the most part, a bit of Alfeegi/Reema, mentions Kai-stern, Ruwalk, Rune, Rath, Cesia, Lykouleon, and Raseleane.

**Comments:** This is a piece that's been lurking around my computer for a while so I thought it was time to finally finish it off. It came out a little different than I'd expected but even in its first draft it was not meant to be a cheery story.

Toward the end the spoken lines are taken directly from volume 11.

**Spoilers: **Mostly one of the big shockers in depressing volume 11.

**Focus: **What would you regret?

**--**

"**People died. It was sad, but they did."  
**

**(The Wintersmith)**

**--**

In a dark and little used corridor, Alfeegi held one hard to his chest in a fairly useless attempt to slow the blood flow. There was no sounds of fighting on the floors above him, he had no idea if the other inhabits of the Castle had been alerted to the demon invasion.

But no one was coming down this particular passage anytime soon.

It looked as if he wasn't going to make it then. It certainly wasn't quite the image Alfeegi had had of his passing, then again, if he had any say in the situation he wouldn't be sitting here clutching a sword wound, now would he?

He let his head fall back against the wall with a sigh that made him wince.

Walking was out of the question, the few attempts he'd made at getting up had ended disastrously and he wasn't about to try again. Passing out now wasn't something he wanted to do.

Alfeegi was rather worried that if he passed out he wouldn't wake up again.

It would be easy to go mad sitting here, as he felt himself slowly fading, hoping against hope someone would stumble across him, but Alfeegi had a mind that was manically organized. The chaotic and wild world entered his head as a mess and came out again as neat lists and timetables; it was what made him so good at his job.

So he didn't go insane in that corridor.

But he did have a lot of time to think.

And in thinking and looking over what thoughts came to his mind at a time like this, Alfeegi realized he had a horrible number of lurking regrets.

He regretted:

1) He regretted confronting Rath, here in the hallway. His instincts had warned him against going alone and he'd been tempted to wake up Ruwalk or Tetheus and tell them his suspicions, but at the last moment, he'd decided against it. He'd decided to let them both actually get some sleep.

As it turned out, that had been a mistake.

2) He regretted that just the other day he'd been yelling at Kai-stern about how he should let the doctor look at his wounded eye. And when he had grabbed his arm…well he shouldn't have kept what he had felt beneath the fabric to himself.

Something was wrong, his fellow Officer needed help and he'd let him down.

3) He regretted the fact that he had yelled at Kai-stern too. Alfeegi yelled a lot to everyone, but he wished that the last thing he ever said to Kai-stern hadn't been a shriek.

4) He regretted not taking Ruwalk up on that offer to do some sword practice just this morning, he really didn't have that much to do, he could have spared the time.

5) He regretted looking down his nose at the demons in the Castle. Really, in the end, did breed really matter over loyalty? He could have been kinder to Cesia, who was new to the Castle and did not know many folk.

Then again, Alfeegi had never been too good at kindness, it made him awkward.

6) He regretted not being able to see Lady Raseleane one last time. She was so lovely.

Lady Raseleane and Lord Lykouleon were the last hope for the continuation of the line now that Rath was no longer himself, and he'd always had an affection for the both of them.

Not that he'd bothered to let his Lord and Lady know that, of course. Which, he thought, was a shame now.

7) He regretted, as foolish as it seemed, not being able to sound to alarm so the rest of the Castle would know they were under attack. Surprise was a deadly weapon, Tetheus always said, and thanks to his stupidity, the Castle would be defeated with it.

How many would die because they had no idea that the defenses had been breached?

8) He regretted never taking a apprentice. There was no one to take his post when he finally di— when he couldn't fill it anymore.

Alfeegi wondered briefly what the Dragon Lord was going to do. Then again, maybe it wouldn't be a priority problem if they were at war.

9) He regretted not being able to help Rune, he could see the rain gushing down outside from where he sat and he knew that Rath would be going for him next for the power of Varawoo inside of him.

The Water Knight was the only other person in the entire castle who wasn't hopeless with paperwork. Alfeegi rather hoped he would be alright.

10) He regretted, lastly and perhaps most importantly, oh how Alfeegi regretted putting life aside for work.

Before it had constantly been "This evening I'll pretend to be social," or "I'll do all that ridiculousness tomorrow," but now it looked there wouldn't be a 'this evening' or 'tomorrow' anymore.

He'd always been too busy or too tired or too stressed or too angry to get along with most people.

That was a shame. Now, with the perfect clarity hindsight granted, Alfeegi could see the flaws in the life he had lived up to this point. In the end, everything is clear.

His work had become his life and his life had become his work.

Without one the other was useless.

There were so many things he'd want to do if he could just have a little more time, however time appeared to be just what he was running out of. It was cold, bitterly cold, though he wasn't sure if it was the chill in the air or if it was something else completely.

A memory hit him with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. There had been something else he had wanted to do. Some_one_ else to remember.

Slight alteration to the list.

1) First and foremost he regretted not seeing _her_ again. Everything else somehow ended up seeming less important.

"I'm dying… I wish I could see her one last time before I go. Before I die… I'd like to see her blue eyes just once more."

"Alfeegi?"

And then he looked up, through an illusion, into the most beautiful blue eyes he'd ever seen his entire life and knew that at least there was one thing that could be crossed off the list.

Good thing too, it had been one of the most important ones.

**--**

**End.**


End file.
